Try a Different Question

I just read an interesting booklet from the American Cancer Society called "Listen with Your Heart."  In it, the authors suggest that in addition to asking someone "How are you feeling?" you may want to ask them "What are you feeling?"

That question requires an entirely different level of commitment from both the person asking the question and the person providing the answer.  You are opening yourself up to hearing some personal, raw, emotional talk.  Be prepared--and forewarned.  This question will not elicit the polite conversation that makes up so much of our interactions.  

As the question- asker your job is to listen.  Listen to the complete answer.  Don't change the subject, try to mitigate the pain, or provide solutions.  Just take it all in.  Be supportive.  You can say something like, "Wow, you have a lot going on--is there anything that we can do together that will help?  Is there anything that I can do that would help you right now?"

If you are the one answering the question--go for it.  Sometimes just voicing your fears, complaints, disappointments or grudges can relieve some of your tension.  I'm not suggesting that you go on a rant.  But, being honest under these circumstances can certainly produce some harsh words.  This may be the time where you can finally express some of your darker thoughts and emotions.  And then, hopefully you can move on.  

Another interesting and important thing about this question is that it can help people who are dealing with a reoccurrence of cancer.  

We like to think of life events as having a beginning, a middle and an end.  For cancer it goes something like this--you receive the diagnosis, you go through the treatment, the cancer is under control and you are done.  While each stage can involve months and be overwhelming,  you are working toward the end point where the scans and blood work tell you that you are doing well.  You want to put it all behind you and be over with all things cancer.

Unfortunately that doesn't always happen.  Many types of cancer are becoming chronic or the treatment can go on for years.  That's when asking "What are you feeling?" can be most valuable.