Don't Ask Don't Tell

A dear friend of mine has non -small cell lung cancer. She tells me that when people hear what type of cancer she has, they assume that she is/was a smoker. One of the first questions out of their mouths is "How did you get this? Did you smoke?"

Lung cancer has inflicted another ugly and painful change in her life-- she is constantly being judged. People seem to feel, or at least imply, that she is getting what she has coming to her. She told me that even some medical personnel were caught up in this blame game.

My friend and I spent some time exploring reasons why people felt it was necessary to make these assumptions and ask such loaded questions. We came up with a few ideas, like rampant foot-in-mouth disease, insensitivity, ignorance and/or fear.

It's the last reason that I think is the most likely culprit. I think that people are searching for a reason to distance themselves from you, the person who had to have done something so terrible that you called this down upon yourself. There has to be a reason that this happened to you. There has to be a reason why it won't happen to them.

I've had personal experience with this phenomenon. My younger daughter has significant disabilities. She has amazing gifts too but what the world at large sees is an individual who is non-verbal and has obvious cognitive deficiencies.

When she was younger most of our play dates were with a mother and daughter that we met at OT, PT and speech sessions. Inevitably, when we were walking around the zoo, shopping or just having lunch someone would come up to us and comment on our children. I would be treated like a saint while my friend would be treated like a criminal. The reason for the discrepancy in our treatment was just this, my daughter is Korean and I am not. My friend's daughter was her obvious biological child. I was judged saintly because I adopted a child with a disability. She was viewed with suspicion because her offspring's disability likely had something to do with questionable activities during pregnancy or bad genes that she willfully passed on.

Having a child with a disability is a scary thing. People want to find a way to assure themselves that it will never happen to them. That's where the judging comes in.

The disability community gave me a useful way of looking at this situation. They talk about the world in terms of being disabled and not currently disabled. It's a startling thought--but one that we should all consider. Most human conditions are transitory. Understanding that will help us be more open to all the possibilities life hold for each of us --and then maybe more compassionate and understanding of what it is like to live with these realities.

Anyone can become disabled, anyone can have cancer.


My friend wonders if the question--what did you do to get cancer-- implies that if you did smoke then you are less deserving of being helped.

She points out that whether you did or you didn't smoke, eat red meat, use deodorant, take HRT,
do drugs, etc that fact is that now you have cancer and you need treatment.

My friend is smart and quick- witted and she can take care of herself in these types of situations. But why should she have to? She is and always has been a non- smoker--but really why should she have to say that?

So here is the take away message, be careful about the questions you ask. Be even more careful about the way you judge others. It's a tendency that serves no productive purpose.